Giraffe.

It was quite the weekend that happened. Attended Sarah's wedding on Saturday. A cute atmosphere happening right there. Though, admittedly, what I assumed is Sarah's pastor, was a bit going in circle. Didn't helped that I'd slept late on Friday, so was struggling to stay awake for a few short moments. And the speech that both of them gave... I had to fight back my tears really. Guess it just struck a chord with me.

And that morning, it still felt kind of surreal. Seeing you there. I was expecting you to be there. I mean, it is Sarah's wedding and I know you wouldn't miss it for no good reasons. And I must say, you look really good that day. You look beautiful. Seeing you seated so close, standing there, your big-small eyes, the shade of lipsticks. I felt dumbfounded. That fluttering feeling I felt once again. You looked radiant, happy even. And deep down, I was glad to see you there, smiling, laughing. And I know you had no reason to talk to me or even acknowledged me, but that last exchange of looks, the seemingly gentle yet a hint of sarcastic/pained smile, the ever slight nod, had me filling my head with thoughts of you again.

Now, today, as the the digital time on the top right corner of my screen reaches 23:00. There's a bittersweet feeling lost in the whirls of sadness and heartache. It aches, thinking back to how we started, those happy moments that we shared. And me foolishly thinking that maybe, perhaps, there's a slight slim chance of us getting back together. Maybe, we could make it all work again? But I had to remind myself over and over again why it ended. Why we parted ways. The differences we had. It was great. The time we shared, it was short and fleeting. Our space, which we lacked. I was childish.

And I realise now that it hurts. Even more so when I saw you again yesterday. It was painful for me when we broke up over the text messages. Tearing non-stop I took the train Jurong bound from Outram. After a while, I thought I was okay. Okay to move on. But now, it seems I was only lying to myself. I was simply running away. This sadness and guilt that I'd let you down when you had such great expectations and hope. I'm so, so sorry.

I thought I was ready to see you again. But. I guess I still need more time. It must have been really hard on you back when we broke up. And I'm really really sorry for that.

After the wedding, headed over to my cousin's. Playing that short amount of Uncharted 4, made me really feel like getting a TV and PS4 for myself. Maybe I could consider it once my brother moves out, and there's more space in the room? I'm sure I'll be able to fit a TV somewhere in the room.

ICCPR

I happen to chance upon this article about this 17 years old boy who was, and still is, dissing about various things in the country. On youtube. I'd never really watched any of his videos, as tempted as I was out of curiosity. I still haven't watched any at this point in time. Simply because I refused to add that 1 view count to his videos. Silly, yes, I agree. 

Anyway, that's the basis. Following the article, there were some comments. The usual typical sarcastic ones to those cents worth of thoughts. Then there was 1 lengthy one. Something about UN's Human Rights Convention, freedom of speech, how the ruling party needs their own Dr Sean (Goodwill Hunting reference) instead of the boy. And... Reading that, I feel like a lot of people, both locally and internationally, aren't aware of something. So, I just want to put it out there.

I... Don't think Singapore is a member or even signed the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights. *gasp* Can that really be true? I think it is. I remember collecting that memory from somewhere, sometime. Maybe while I was studying Military Law in the army. So, there you have it. Singaporeans do not enjoy, what is internationally recognised as, the basic form of civil and political rights.

'Nuff said.

Not too sure about human rights though. But given the track record, doubt Singapore would have signed that too.

I think I may need some books.

Everytime I start to write down something, first thought that usually comes to mind: Who the hell still blogs these days?. Well, besides those blog-shops people. And maybe kids. No wait, scratch that. They don't blog. They instagram, twitter, and facebook, and whatever else that I may not know of. I think I'd mentioned this somewhere before, or at least said it to a few people before. You know you're getting old when you start to realise that there's stuff out there, you know exists, but have no idea what they are. Fine example being IT trends.

And it just hit me that you know you're getting old too, when you keep repeating yourself. Even worse is when you don't even realise it.

I wonder if it's a premonition of sorts that I had earlier... yesterday (seeing how I'm typing this at 0225 hours on 011214). I had a dream. About Lim (2011) at that. It's been a while since I could remember any of my dreams. I don't recall the details, but it left me in a rather pensive mood for a while. Turns out, she might be coming back to Singapore in December, and yes, it so happens to be December right now. My guess, mid to late December?

Sleepy, and tired. Going to take a break before continuing this tomorrow. Taking the day off by the way.

Day 2.

So recently, my life's pretty much work, anime/manga, sleep, eat. The up and coming IPPT is a rather welcome interlude. It's forcing me (and my brother), to go for training sessions on a 2-3 times a week basis. And of course, the monetary rewards is a much welcome bonus.

And then, there's this dragon boat thingy thing going on. I know it's not my cup of tea, and I highly doubt that I will continue with it anymore. Question is, how do I return the buoyancy vest? *nervous laugh* Dragon boat is fun and all, when, I'm doing it for fun. Or an one-off basis. But as a commitment? No, thank you. It really isn't dynamic enough to keep me entertained and focus.

And well, work.

By the way, went to watch Mockingjay today. After watching the third in the series, I think it's finally caught on to me to want to read the book. Maybe 'cos I felt that there are certain themes and stuff worth exploring more about, in greater detail, which, I'm pretty sure (hopefully) will be in the book.

Back in Singapore.

Lookie here. It's been more than half a year since I'd last updated this space. In a way, I guess quite a bit of stuff had happened. I'd graduated. Bummed around while searching for a job. Hanged out with friends. Got a job. Started working. Everyone's getting on with their life.

Part of the reason why I'd decided to be back here, typing away, is 'cos I'm procrastinating from my work. But mainly, it's 'cos I had this sudden impulse & urge to be 'pen' down the gibberish that's going through my mind right about now. Which, kind of feels like it's amounting to nothingness at the moment.

To start off with, I'm working now. Contributing to society, so they say. It's been barely more than a month, but for this past month, it felt like it passed by in a flash. But I guess that's good, right? At least life's not so much a drag if it feels like it's passing by quickly. Colleague's are nice, supervisors & bosses doesn't seem all that bad. Picking things up slowly as they come along. That's about it.

Thinking about it now, it feels quite surreal. Me, getting a job. It just doesn't feel quite real. At least not yet. Not when it's less than a year ago when I still look very much the hippy. Also, you think 25 years of age, isn't all that young to be starting work. But when I think about it, it really is. You have people old enough to be your parents who are your colleagues. When you think about it that way, you realised just how small, young, & naive you are.

So, work's started. Real life sets in. Bills to pay. Debts to return. Thinking about the future. It's scary & daunting.

Enough about work.

Getting on with life. I do kind of miss the days in Australia a little. Especially the weekend mornings, settling down in a café of your choice. Be it your usual haunt, or popping by the new hype. Chancing a hidden find. Or being adventurous enough to try that dubious looking shop down the street. Then there are the weekends where you decide to head out of the metro, take a drive somewhere. Spending 1 to 2 hours, just simply driving along the road at speed. Listening to your tunes, having good company. Chillaxing at a spot. And then, there's the late night cravings. Or simply making a trip to macca's for a quick fix.

Life routine couldn't get any better than that.

On Australia, of course, it brings me back to some of the exhilarating times of my life. And of course, brings me back to some of the down right lowest as well. I was pretty damn down right low at that time. Things weren't working. Future seemed bleak. Perhaps it was good that I was busy at the time, so I had no choice but to push on. But at that point in time, I think I was in a pretty dangerous situation. Thinking back, it could have gotten so so wrong. So so bad.

Not to say I still don't have the thoughts, but at least they're much milder now, more manageable, and very, very, much less frequent. So, give it some time, I'm sure it will all be good again. Internally. Where I'll be able to move on with myself.

I suddenly realised how narcissistic a blog can actually be.

Moving pass that, being back in Singapore for more than a half year, I'm finding people to be such idiots. People as in people on the streets, people in society as a general term. I'm sure most people out there are decent human beings. But as a crowd, as part of the zombie-society, they can be such assholes. Pedestrian, cyclists, drivers, all. Especially the old, bordering old, handicapped, aunties. Oh, how terrible they are. Don't get me started on them.

I think it's a pretty ironic thing to do. To be trying to believe in the good of Singapore society, but at the same time, holding an extremely cynical view of the Singapore society. Take for example, I don't trust those old people out there on the streets, begging for money. I'd ever come across this old lady, greying hair, gaudy clothes from those times, mind you. She came up to me, asking for money. I refused, and walked away. First thing, she was speaking English. Second, she was in the financial district of the city. So many red flags at that.

And then there's the fact there Singaporeans are making their own lives harder for themselves than as it needs to be. It may be naive, and idealistic of me to think this way, but that's what I believe in for now. I realised that most people out there are just too uncompromising on the smallest of things. Taking that further, they harp on the smallest detail and do their damn bestest in finding fault with certain things. They may or may not lost the bigger picture in the process, but that's not the issue. The thing is, as they do so, people around them start doing so as well. To me, it kind of results in this, unforgiving society. Or even better, what they call "protect your backside" behaviour. It kind of dull things, makes certain stuff unnecessary, wasting time in trying to do things the 'right' way. Or diverting time away from making a more quality finish and actually improving, whatever it is they're working on.

Well, let just say that this is just one of those things I find disturbing after spending this short time in Singapore. It's not disgusting, not yet. It's more... How to put it. More perplexing than anything to me.

The way I see it, it's like a slow poison that seeps into an individual, without them realising it at all.

When the Cat's Away.

When the Cat's away.

There's a time and place for most things. But when the Cat's away, it's not the time for Water. Pissing that Gold thinks it is the right moment. Not fun getting stuck in the Water. I hate it. It's worse when it's Polluted Water. Sometimes, I wish that a "miracle" might happen. It wears me down thinking that such things are happening. Australia has been very very kind to me. And I love it, even though it pains me terribly that I have to put aside the Bunny of yesteryears. Compared with the Cat & Water, it doesn't seem like much any more.

I'd wished I could just run away from it all. Start over. Afresh somewhere else. Some place where people can't reach me. I've ever though about eloping. I've ever thought about migrating. I've ever thought about travelling. I've ever thought about disappearing. But these options would be very irresponsible of me.

I guess one reason why I'd played so much games, would be the fantasy. The control I have. The way that extreme choices had to be made. The manner where choices made have dire & shotgun-esque impact. Instead of a slow poison.

I didn't want my becoming of an adult to be this way.

... ...

... ...

... ...

I don't know when will be the next time I'll be back in Perth. Couple of days ago, was just my Convocation. I really liked the sash colour of my school. Smalt. It's a pretty colour. And looks cool too, unlike the rest. The GoPro had been really useful in this trip. What with rope-swings, cliff-jumping, driving around. Also brought the GoPro up to stage during me collecting the certificate.

On another note, I came down with Hand, Foot, & Mouth Disease during this CNY. Quite a terrible thing to have. Quarantined for a week. Painful sores/blisters for a couple of days. Very contagious. The aftermath ain't all that fantastic too. Especially when I was still spring-cleaning with the blisters/sores. You see, the blisters/sores are actually just small red spots. But as you mistreat your hands & feet, they become really blister-like. So when they heal, the skin dries & starts to peel. My hand & feet are in a terrible terrible state right now.

... ...

I need to find a source of happiness soon.

You can (not) advance. You are (not) alone.

Hopefully, I'll be able to post some photos up from this Perth trip. Well, I'm able to. Just a matter of if I bother and hardworking enough.

... ...

I want to disappear.

Oh, am also getting depress about my hair. I'm actually rather sad that I've to chop it off now. Maybe this is how girls feel when they've decided to chop off their hair.

What if, hypothetically.

Was just doing some thinking just now. And this event came across my mind.

Tickets to Miyajima

At Miyajima, the Itsukushima Shrine, UNESCO world heritage if I'm not wrong.

So, there I was, travelling Japan on my own. All excited to go visit Miyajima & the whole place around it. It was a bloody adventure I tell you. The boat ride there, though, was very much unexpected. I still could remember. Boarded the boat, went to the upper deck to take a seat. I was seated on the port side, closer to the bow. Third row, mainly 'cos there was a couple on the first. And that's when it hit me. I was attacked by an overwhelming sense of grief, sorrow, sadness. I don't know why, but it got so bad I started to tear cry. And not just the quiet kind. I could feel that if I'd let it out, it would be those seemingly never ending & hiccuping type. But somehow or rather, I'd managed to push it all back & let it drown itself.

Thinking back, maybe I shouldn't have done. Maybe I should have just let it all go. Maybe, maybe then... Maybe.

Post thesis

Just submitted my thesis yesterday.

Never thought I'll be able to do this...

So, that's my thesis. Completed & submitted, albeit sure there's some flaws here & there. Maybe one or two major flaw. I was rushing through it at the end. Anyway, inaccuracies aside, it's about playgrounds functioning as a social space. By social space, meaning a place where people socialise, meet-up with people, random encounters. That sort of stuff. In other words, a vibrant and happening place. It was quite an interesting journey while it lasted. Of course, I had certain expectations about the topic and area of research already. Some weren't met, some were, while some were just way too enthusiastic about meeting the expectations. That aside, I'm glad it's done now.

Just.. couple of weeks back, joined this event called Tough Mudder (TM). Check it out if you haven't already heard what it's about. I'd signed up for it early this year in fact. Was hyped up, then the hype went down. Then back up again one week before the event.

It was fun. Good fun. I was nursing both my calves at 8km, and then my left quad at 12km, through the worst muscle cramps I had. Not forgetting my right knee got sort of busted at 10km or so. Total distance was an estimated 20km, with approximately 20+ obstacles to clear.

I just wanted to challenge myself you know. And challenge I did. Without much training, completed the course in 3 hours. Just for comparison, the stipulated completion time is 3.5 hours. So, although I'm at the low of my fitness now, I'm still better than the average. Muahahaha. And I'm proud to say that I cleared everything on my own. Now, who wants me in their team for a zombie apocalypse? Professionally military trained too.

The morning - Prepped and raring to go.

By the way, for those that already know me well enough, that headband is now serving as an accessory to one of my stuffed toy, as a waistband. It actually looks damn cute.

So, the day itself, woke up at 0600 hours. I think it was a 2 hours drive there. Got there, registered, and just enough time to chill with the housemates a while before heading to the starting block. I think I'm going to be doing TM almost every year now. Am going to collect them headbands and put them on as many stuffed toy as I can manage.

Round of croquet anyone?

Damn, I do like the office I was in.

Commemorative mug, signalling the end of my intern days.

I'd must say, I think my intern days turned out better than I expected. Officially, I was only there for... 14 days. That's almost 3 working weeks worth of time spent. It started out as a drag the first 3 weeks honestly. On the fourth week (I went in once a week), I was shadowing someone. At the end of the day, I was thinking to myself: Is this how it's going to be every week? Honestly, I wasn't sure if I'm going to last that long. But I'm glad now that I'd stuck it through to the end. And I'm actually very very thankful that I was given some actual work to do. I'll need to go back some time and thank them properly. They even gave me a mug (which I absolutely adore) and a bar of Tolberone chocolate.

Game of croquet (pronounced "cro=kay" I think) is actually quite entertaining every once in a while. It's a good garden game for all ages. Ruthless, strategic, & not too much experience needed. I thought I would never ever touch that game nor appreciate it, but I'm a changed boy now. Always thought it was some boring game which only seniors would enjoy. But turns out I was quite wrong on that.

Now all that's left to do is just a 3000 word essay, and I Think I'm sort of done with academia. Unless if I'm offered to go for further studies, or as a tutor or something.

Oh, oh, oh. Almost forgot to mention. Mae came by and stayed with us for about a month. Good times, good fun. And on the same topic, aunt & uncle's coming over tonight. So, it's going to get quite lively in the house again.

So many things to do, so little time.