You can(not) redo.

I'm sorry friends. I know I'd said that I was going to at least attempt to post some Japan stuff up here, from my trip a year ago. But I guess, I couldn't bring myself round to do it. So, all photos are pretty much on Facebook, and thankfully, I've captioned most, if not all, of them.

I realised it's becoming a habit of mine. That whenever I decided to blog, it's just all emotional mambo-jumbo shit that's going down. A year and half (& counting?). Is it even worthwhile, at times I wonder.

I want to believe that it is. Not in the sense that anything will come to fruit, but in the sense that I will learn something from it. That I will come to know someone else & still be able to give them my all. That I won't become just another spiteful & empty shell of a person. In a way, I really do admire a friend of mine. She stayed strong despite what happened. And what I'm going through probably isn't even a fraction of what she had went through.

010413. Day that I sent out the card.

040413. Day that the card was definitely sent.

140413. Day that I discovered it all.

I blame it upon myself that I just had to confirm it. Actually, more like giving myself hope. In the hope that the efforts and words could move her heart. But I could never be more wrong. I admit I got hopeful, too hopeful definitely.

I admit to being angry, spiteful, & possibly even hateful on the 14th. It... It just hurts so much that I couldn't take it anymore. That I didn't know what to do or how to react.

I held myself back. Held back my thoughts. Held back my comments. For I know that if I don't do so, it would only hurt us both.

I didn't know where did I go wrong. I didn't know what had caused this change. I didn't know how this distance came to be. But I realise now that this is something that I must let go. Probably to let go without ever knowing the truth. It won't do me any much more good to hold on. That was my conclusion.

As much as I don't want to, as much as it saddens me to do, I know I have to. I know I have to.

I don't remember when. After our first meet up Singapore, when she returned from Hong Kong, and I from Perth. After the time when I went over to her house. After the time when she came over to mine. After the time when she met Joseph & Aik Hong. After Mr. Krabbs's annual car trip which I took her along. After the call on that fateful day. After the time when she came over to get her dress altered. After the time when I went over to 'steal' new year goodies. After when we met up for a movie. After Valentines'. After my return to Perth...

People told me that I deserve better. People told me that she wasn't worth it. People said quite some stuff. I never took their words for it (& I forgot most of them anyway). I disagreed with their words. I guess that's because I want to believe. For under the year that I got to know her, I know she's not the person that they're saying. Up till the 14th, I truly, honestly believed in that. But as of now, I'm struggling to hold that belief. Where I didn't have doubts, I'm having them now.

Must I really come to spite the person that I would willingly take a bullet for, in order to forget about. That, I absolutely refuse and don't want to do.

I guess this sounds very ironic. But, I will still hold the belief that she's a nice girl. And I will move on. I suppose I will never come to hate her, not in this lifetime anyway.

I sincerely hope that this will be my last post about her. About my emotional state with regards to her. About this pathetic side of me.

I shall now, resolve to blog about other ongoings in my life, should time permits. I am, after all, a 大学の四ん年せい. Yeah, bringing some Jap learnings into my blog. Maybe I should have done that long ago to help me in learning Japanese.

So, I guess that's about it from me this time round. Hope to read something brighter & not so bleak in the next post, which, hopefully again, would be soon.

Oh, and I'd watched Evangenlion 3.0 & Naruto: Road to Ninja last & this week. Awesome. Keeps me happy for the while I'm watching. :D