Wow. Looks like it's been a while. Somehow, I really can't seem to get back into the groove of writing/updating this blog of mine anymore. It's a little sad & depressing, because, in this manner, I would be losing out on so many memories, which, I'm sure I would lose them in about 5 to 10 years time. Or even less.
Anyway, Chinese New Year is around the corner. In fact, in just slightly over a little over 2 hours.
I don't know what my peers are thinking of CNY, but for me, it's becoming more & more of a drag. Most people would still look forward to the ang baos receiving. But not me. Not with the price it comes, I'd guess. Every CNY, I would, without fail, go over to my aunt's place to clean up the house for a whole day. Together with my brother of course, since it's literally impossible for one person. And every year, she would always want to do some extravagant/extreme stuff. It's not too bad if one looks at it, since it only takes a day out of my calendar. But the housekeeping drag continues with my parents' place. Too much rubbish in the house in my opinion. And my mum ain't exactly the happy go lucky type with cleaning too. Just like her sister, she would want to do some ridiculous stuff once in a while.
The worst parts come when she starts complaining/nagging over my not-so-snide-comments. And once she starts, it doesn't stop for quite a while. And it links to every other topic via an expressway. It gets really infuriating. More so when I know I'm right. Even more so when the other half doesn't do any shit. Sits around and does nothing productive. Or goes to sleep.
Nobody's perfect.
Nothing is perfect.
Sometimes, looking at my own situation, I know I'm a very very lucky kid. A whole & compact family. Great friends. Not the best of, but still a decently good & nice life. Shelter over my head. Technological luxuries.
I'm not quite sure how to type down all my thoughts, but I guess I'll give it a try.
I'd guessed it all started in my third week of my Japan travel. I was in Hiroshima, on the ferry towards Miyajima. I was seated in the upper deck, port side, towards the bow. There was a young couple who were seated in front of me. Seeing them, it suddenly reminded me of bunny & me. Of all times, I thought to myself. Then, this overwhelming sadness just gripped me. I could have cried & cried like a child back then on that ferry. But it was far too an embarrassing sight of me, for me. So, I'd somehow managed to hold it back & get to the island seemingly normal.
I'd guessed that was it then.
Perhaps I should have just let it all go then, on that ferry. Maybe I would have felt a lot better & wouldn't be as miserable right now. But that's all in the past right now.
I certainly enjoyed myself to some extend on that island. But thinking back, I'd must been a wreck on the inside. To the point of deluding myself.
And then that wraps it up for Japan.
Returned to Australia, it all went spiralling downwards. Got into a car accident & racked up quite the cost for repairs (insurance excess). Again, I chose to play it strong. But deep down, I was more than a wreck. I was suicidal.
For a couple of weeks, I was losing sleep over the money. Although it was already settled & ready to be paid, there was the matter of it being a loan. And that amount of money which could be used more productively. I was blaming myself for being so careless. After I'd managed to convince myself that it's just money, and that I will be earning it back eventually, what came after, wasn't any better.
My thoughts went back to Bunny.
I started thinking about her at night. I'd missed her so dearly.
I was crying myself to sleep.
I was losing sleep.
I didn't need the sleep.
On average, I was doing 3 to 4 hours of sleep daily. Sleeping at 0400 hours, waking up at 0700 to 0800 hours. Waking up in the middle at times, especially on Fridays, due to the rubbish truck driving by.
Bottomline was, as strong as I'd appeared & tried to be, I was breaking down. Breaking down by the chunks.
I started to occupy myself with my phone when I couldn't sleep. Useless. But it was an effort to keep myself occupied and not to think about her. I tried to keep myself busy.
I was on the verge of turning to alcohol. On the verge of turning to cigars. All just to occupy my mind with something else.
On the weekends, I would just hole up in my bed & be miserable for the entire morning, as something was amiss as I awoke to that weekend morning.
She was very much attached to me. She said so herself. I trusted her. And now, because of my delusions, I still trust her. I still do love her. She hadn't realised it. I didn't know about it. Guess the old saying is true after all. You don't know the value of something, not till you lose it. She had became my emotional support.
I vaguely recall the times when we were together. I was being stressed out & suffocated by my school, 2 jobs, family, etc. But I was still happy. I managed to push through. It all felt worthwhile. Like, there was a meaning to what I was doing. I felt like I had a purpose. Looking at me now, it's a bad joke. No direction, no clues, no meaning, no purpose. Things are getting greyer & greyer by the day.
Even as I am now, back in Singapore a year later. I'm still the same bad joke as I was a year before. With Valentines round the corner, it's like a bad hangover for me. A reminder of what had happened during the last Valentine. Valentines didn't even started out as a celebratory event for couples and loved ones. It was a day marking the death of someone.
Honestly, I thought I was over her. I was able to move on. Somehow or rather, I'd guessed I did. By letting a part of me inside wither & die. How poetic.
It really doesn't help whenever I think back to my thoughts, and then I think about all the other people out there in this world. What the fuck are my problems compared to others around the world? A million & more & still counting, are definitely suffering more than me. But they still plough their way through, day by day, week by week, month by month. And before you know it, it's a year. I'm only an insignificant one that makes the all. And yes, this marks the bottomline for my suicidal thoughts. If I'm not strong to enough to push through this, I might as well give it up trying to live my life. Survival of the fittest. That would be my contribution to the Earth, to the way of nature, and not to the way of humankind (not that it's going to matter at all). Well, besides the family & friends who would, could, possibly, be sadden by my sudden death. There's really nothing much else holding me back now, is there?
Life as I know it. It's a mad & screwed up place we live in. But I'm still functioning & living here in this world normally. Right now, there are still times where I just don't feel like living this life anymore. But it wouldn't be fair to those around me. As much as I've left something beautiful & absolutely wonderful behind, I should & must still give my all to those around me. That's how it is, I guess.
