Tear me a new wound.

Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

Although it hurts
I'll be the first to say that I was wrong
Oh, I know I'm probably much too late
To try and apologize for my mistakes
But I just want you to know

I hope he buys you flowers
I hope he holds your hand
Give you all his hours
When he has the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause I remember how much you loved to dance
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man
Do all the things I should have done
When I was your man

When I was your man. Bruno Mars

Was doing a blog hopping just now. Visited the blogs I had in my bookmarks. And I'd realised that most of my friends had abandon theirs. Only a handful were still updating their blogs the way I'd been doing (one entry every month to a few months), and even fewer doing it diligently.

Anyway, read up a little on those that were still updated. It lifted me up a little. And special thanks goes to Sista (note:entry dated 14072013). Thank you.

I've never been one to really feel-feel my emotions, until these past years. Genuine happiness, sadness, loneliness, frustration, irritation, annoyance, jealousy, anger, hatred. In the past, I would say that I'm rather aloof & apathetic in a certain sense. And this post, it's probably going to be so raw with feelings & thoughts that Bear Grylls wouldn't even touch it.

I'd spent the entire day lying in my bed today. Actually woke up at 1000+ and I just laid in my bed. All till 2000+. All simply because I didn't want to face the world - just wanted to stay cooped up in my room, bed. In comfort.

Last night, just before I fall asleep, I was on my usual routine of 9gag (hey, that actually didn't came up on spell check!), facebook, and sometimes games.

I'm not too sure how to put these in words. Hmm...

Honestly, it wasn't intentional. I just happened to chance upon it. But I saw this particular photo. In it was a friend and whom I suspect to be her guy. The other pair was my ex with another guy. It's just a photo, I know. But there were some red flags here & there, with a hint/indication that sealed my doubts/suspicions. I don't know if they are together, but I believe they are.

It was something which I hadn't really felt before. But if I have to put it in words: anger, & sadness (more anger actually). I didn't know what I was angry at though. Myself? Her? The guy? Never had I felt a more empty anger & sadness before.

Losing my words here at the moment...

I could hardly get to sleep then. But somehow, managed to force myself to do so after a while. I was actually intending to wake up then & there and start typing my thoughts & feelings here. All through the night, for as long as needed to make myself feel better. At least it would have felt better than lying awake & having those thoughts raced through my mind. But I'm glad I didn't. It would be nothing but irrational shit.

---❡---

Waking up this morning, it's the second time in my life that I'd actually felt suicidal. Fancy that. Slightly different from the first time, but definitely suicidal. I was very much on the verge of self-mutilation (not too sure I'm pass that yet). Thoughts about relationships (not just the romantic kinds, I'm shallow, but not that shallow) I have & the state of it. Even when I'd decided to dragged myself out of bed, I still wasn't quite rational. I was in a state of blank, still angry & sad, but blank.

Although this thought was present: I did very very very very much wanted to snip off my long hair just like that. That was pretty much the part of anger, with a tinge and hue of sadness. You see, she loved my long hair. If she could have her way, she would have forbid me to cut it short. Ever.

I'd thought what one of my friends said before when her ex got a new girl. That the feelings one has when their ex-es find themselves in a new relationship, is that of being unwanted, being replaced. It didn't really register. It didn't really apply was what I thought. Still don't think it does, but it eventually might just sink into me.

So, the day (or rather, night) passed by with me binge eating (with 3 packs of instant noodles). Would have indulge in alcohol (I find it does work, helps to numb the feelings), if my cousin weren't around. And I very selfishly watched "A Good Day to Die Hard" by myself, in front of her (used my headphones after the first 10 minutes). I'm sorry to her, but I just needed to be on my own, doing my own things. Things that make me happy. And... It worked quite well. After the show, felt much better. More rational actually. And then started blog hopping.

I don't know why, I don't know how, but I started to see some salvation after reading them blogs. Especially after reading Sista's blog. I believe I'm much better now. I believe that such an episode will never occur again (at least with regards to Chernhui). I believe I will be back to myself within the week.

Now, one may ask why do I always keep things to myself. Actually, some friends do ask me that. It's simple. I don't want to bother people with unnecessary matters. They already got their hands full with shit of their own to handle. Personally though, I would be more than willing to provide a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on. But I don't expect others to do the same for me. I don't know why, it's just the way I am.

With all that said, I'm still left with a bit more to say.

First, I'm ready and am resolved to part with my long hair. I'm looking at post CNY 2014 to chop it all off. So, to friends who are reading this, please feel free to drop me suggestions as to what hairstyles you would like to see me in. HAHAHA. Yes, I'm experimenting here. Although suggestions ≠ results all the time.

Second, just would like to say thanks to Mr. Krabbs for being there and being him. I wouldn't choose anyone else over him to go fight zombies with. (Note to self: refer to hell's gate)

Third, to the friends whom I still keep very much in contact with. Thanks, and I will never forget you (if I do, just give me a little reminder). You guys are people I'll willingly take a bullet for.

Fourth (and I think last), the very reason for this post. To Chernhui, if you are ever reading my blog still. The above quoted song is dedicated to you. Although it was a short lived, less than a year relationship, I will not forget the times we had together. I was genuinely happy as a tweet-tweet when with you. The time you gave to me, they were & are cherished. Thank you. The jigsaw I sent you, I did mean each & every word in it. But if I'm right, it don't matter now. So you can just forget about it. Black it out if you must. Lastly, I still do love you and always will. But it will never be the same as before. It's just love, not love-love, if anyone ever catches my drift. And... Well, I'll still be here and around if you ever need someone who's alien to your world. Wish you all the best in the future.

P.S. Please take good care of Bunny. I still do remember him okay.

---❡---

Well, that's done and out of the way. After typing all that, it actually feels... therapeutic. And liberating. I guess I've never written such an open post before. Apologies for that. It should (hopefully) be the first & last.

It's... 0541 now. I'm actually feeling kind of hungry right now. Shall wait for breakfast time and... wait, is there still sandwich bread at home? Maybe I'll have that. Save money.

"Yipee-ki-yay motherfucker."

Been watching Die Hard the past week. 1 through 4. Was actually intending to watch 5 on Friday, but it somehow turned into a comedy-comedy-horror marathon. Which, isn't bad at all. And now, there's a couple of horror films raked up, all thanks to the wonders of internet.

So... Today. Woke up pretty early in the morning (given the usual time I usually get out-out of bed) at 0900+ hours. Headed down to the city, to the Department of Planning. I had this meeting arranged with someone on Wednesday actually. But it was a blunder trip I'd made. Went down, 1000 hours, went to the reception (main one I'd assumed) and told the lady there that I'm there, meeting this guy at 1000. Out came this guy, and... Well, our conversation only lasted 5 to 10 minutes? Honestly, I was expecting longer, and more information, but that was it. I didn't had a lot of questions loaded into mind at that point in time too.

So, I went back home. Checked my email in the night, and realised that I'd met up with the wrong person. Apparently, they must have shared the same name. And... Well, my fault for not clarifying and assuming. Especially when I thought something was amiss. So, yeah, had another meeting arranged on Friday (thank goodness).

So, as it is, the chances of me having some work experience before I graduate is pretty high (at least I would like to think so). The catch? I'm not paid. But hey, foreign student in a foreign country looking for a foreign job, had to start somewhere. And the Department of Planning as good a place as any to start off with. Well, actually, better than most other options out there I would like to think.

Okay, so came back home, went to grab lunch.

I must say though, lunch was pretty good. Albeit very filling. Pasta in a cup. Cup looks small, but it was filling. Could fill 3 particular people I thought of. ハハハっ. Dinner was pretty filling too. The movies kicked in not long after that.

What else... What else...

Oh, yeah. I think I might pick up kendo in the upcoming semester. Just beginner, basic stuff, nothing in depth. I realised it takes monetary investment to really get yourself into any sports. I guess I was extremely lucky in secondary school to had picked up gymnastics. I'm really thankful & grateful for the 4 years it gave me. Gave me the basic aptitude and physical condition to keep up with other sports at an average level.

ところで、がっこうは... Did pretty well in the (just) past semester. Although results weren't really fantastic, but I'd did better than I thought. Well, at least on 3 out of 4 subjects. うふふふふふ. And in one of my classes, the video assignment we did, the lecturer asked if she could use it as an example for future classes. Okay, I know it's no big deal, but at least it makes me feel worthwhile. Makes me feel useful. For once...

And... If you're reading this still, I'm sorry to the few friends that I'd ignored the past couple of weeks. It's not that I didn't see your message, just that I was kind of in a down-down patch. Needed some time alone. Actually, was contemplating to vanish for a period length unknown. Till I'm better I guess. But I'm not going to do that anymore. Anime does teach you actual shit. Sometimes. So, will reply all the stuff once I'm done here.

Which, is actually now I think.

Oh, looking forward to watch A Good Day to Die Hard. John McClane is such a loveable character.